About Being Home
I have been away from home for quite a long time. I left most of my belongings, started a new life with two suitcases and one backpack. I moved to an empty apartment, a place so foreign. I was all alone, an alien in a foreign place. I built a life someplace far away, but after a while, I realized that it was not the life that I wanted. I was tired of feeling lonely and the only place I wanted to be was home.
I threw away the life I had there and packed my suitcases (and a few huge boxes), and not too long until I am home. Everything felt strange. The weather is too hot. The road is jammed. Everyone is too loud. It was chaos inside my head, everything around me too. It doesn’t feel like home.
I was angry for reasons that I don’t know. Is it because of the heat? Is it because I can’t see my friends? Is it because I don’t know when I can visit Japan again? Or is it because things are too uncertain? Is it because I am scared of my future? Is it because I was afraid of the fact that I made the wrong decision? I still haven’t figured that out. Maybe I was just feeling overwhelmed.
The first few weeks were hard for me to process. And it got harder every time my mom asked me, “aren’t you happy to be home?”. Yes, I am happy to be home. But I am also sad for leaving my friends, my job, and a place that I learned to love. I was torn, if only I can be in two places at the same time. If only I don’t have to feel so conflicted.
They said, “home is where your heart is”, and over the years I found myself putting my heart into many places. I keep discovering new things or places that I loved and I kept my heart there. All my dear friends got to keep some pieces too. Maybe that’s why every place feels like home, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel quite right.
So what is it exactly “to be home” is? And where is exactly my “home” is? The answers to the questions are still unknown. Who knows, maybe I will keep searching for a place I can call home without feeling unsure, a place I can rest my tired soul. All I hope is for the search to be not too long.
A place called home, 5 January 2022
