A Letter to You
which I will never send
Hi, how are you? I hope you’re doing well.
I know I probably will never send you this letter and you probably think that this is weird. Well, honestly I would agree with you. It has been months, and it’s still very hard for me not to think of you. It’s even harder for me to keep my tears from falling every time I do. I know you probably will never ever see this, and you won’t even know I am writing this for you, but I just want to have that illusion of talking to you.
I could’ve sent you a real letter or a message through Line, but I can’t bear the thought of getting ignored. You might’ve moved out, you might’ve blocked me too, I never know. At least by writing this letter, I get a chance to say what I’ve been wanting to say. Without you even knowing, which I thought will be better for both of us.
There’s so much that I wanted to tell you. I wish I could call you and hear your voice, getting your reaction in real-time, but that won’t be appropriate. I know I was being petty and told you things I shouldn’t have said, and I am sorry. I knew that you were hurt as well, and it was hard for you too. But I guess life without me was easier for you, so I shall grant you your wishes.
It would be a lie if I told you life without you is easy. I still cry from time to time, every time I think of you. I cried a little writing this letter too. It was such a hard time for me trying to get over you. Those days after you ended us (in your words “a thing happening between us”), I can’t help crying myself to sleep. I was hurt, angry, sad, and I fell apart. I had thousands of questions running through my head. I questioned my decisions. I questioned what I did wrong. I even questioned my worth.
Am I unworthy of love? Am I unworthy of a company?
I wanted someone to tell me how hard their life will be without me, not the opposite. The day you told me that you weren’t happy with whatever-that-was-going-on-between-us, my sanity broke a little. I thought you felt the same way I felt about us. But then I was wrong. I thought there was something more, but it was just some kind of a summer fling.
After all the crying and self-loathing, I finally get myself to get back up and move on with my life (although I still have no intention to move on from you or our memories). And things started to fall into their place. All those days crying worrying about my future suddenly seemed so foolish and meaningless.
I was job-hunting for about a month and a half, and after applying to many companies through different sides, many emails, and many interviews, I finally got a job offer — twice. I was preparing for a Plan B in case I don’t get any job offer for a job that suits my preferences. But I got it, I got what I wanted. I wish I could tell you how excited I am for my new start through a call but that won’t happen.
I still remember when I was so stressed and kept on crying for no reason you texted me and you gave me the best encouragement I could ever imagine. You told me I was a smart and capable woman and that I deserve the world. You were right about that. I should’ve known if I put my mind and heart to it, I can get whatever my heart desires. But I was worried about too many things. It was almost like I was overthinking myself to death.
I just want to thank you for doing the hard part. I figure if you didn’t do it, it would’ve been hard for me to move on with my life since you were the only thing I had in mind. I thought things are working and all I had in mind is how to be together with you again. To make you entirely mine. Turned out, I was wrong. I was being hopeful. I was delusional. I chose to live in a world that was made of my fantasy. The world where ‘us’ is possible. A world where time and distance are meaningless. But here we are, thousands of miles away, and a thousand dreams apart. And no matter how hard I try, there will never be us.
I still have no idea how to forget you, but maybe if I think to myself that it was nothing, I’ll get over it easily. But until then, I will keep writing things about you. About every little memory we made. About all the moments we spent laughing together. About every little thing that used to make me smile. I’ll write everything. Until I have nothing else to write until I have nothing else to say.
I just hope that you will never find this. But if you do, I hope you don’t read it. But if you do read it, I hope you just read it and pretend it was nothing. I hope you will just move on with your life and act as if you don’t know anything. Don’t say anything. Because that’s the only way for me to go on with my life.
It’s not yet a goodbye.
Surakarta, 8 January 2022
